Funny Quotes

1. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
2. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
3. "Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Cheers to you and your energy!" – Unknown
4. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
5. "A day without laughter is a day wasted." – Charlie Chaplin
6. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey
7. "You can’t have everything... where would you put it?" – Steven Wright
8. "If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you." – Unknown
9. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
10. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done." – Unknown
11. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." – Unknown
12. "The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." – Steven Wright
13. "I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome." – Unknown
14. "I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
15. "I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller." – Skee-Lo
16. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
17. "I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiny." – Unknown
18. "Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver." – Unknown
19. "I'm not procrastinating, I'm doing side quests." – Unknown
20. "I didn’t choose the pug life, the pug life chose me." – Unknown
21. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
22. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown
23. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
24. "A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory." – Mark Twain
25. "My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry." – Unknown
26. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
27. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
28. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode." – Unknown
29. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
30. "I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." – Unknown
31. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown
32. "You can't make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella." – Unknown
33. "I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee." – Unknown
34. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
35. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
36. "Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg’? Because every play has a cast." – Unknown
37. "You can’t have everything... where would you put it?" – Unknown
38. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
39. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I had to do." – Unknown
40. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
41. "I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
42. "I'm on a diet, just not the healthy kind." – Unknown
43. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
44. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
45. "You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
46. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title already, now I just need the words." – Unknown
47. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
48. "A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body." – Unknown
49. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
50. "I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing." – Unknown
51. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." – Unknown
52. "Life is like a cup of tea, it’s all in how you make it." – Unknown
53. "When life gives you lemons, just remember: it's always better with tequila." – Unknown
54. "I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
55. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
56. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
57. "I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
58. "I am on a 10-step diet: 1. Ignore food. 2. Think about food. 3. Eat food." – Unknown
59. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
60. "Why do they call it fast food when it’s never fast enough?" – Unknown
61. "I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
62. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
63. "I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless." – Unknown
64. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
65. "I’m not weird, I’m limited edition." – Unknown
66. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
67. "There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t." – Unknown
68. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
69. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance. And right now, scrolling through memes is top priority." – Unknown
70. "I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong." – Benjamin Franklin
71. "My wife and I met on the internet, my mother told me to stop lying." – Unknown
72. "I am not lazy, I am just on my energy-saving mode." – Unknown
73. "I need six months of vacation, twice a year." – Unknown
74. "A friend told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn." – Unknown
75. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
76. "I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and wake up beautiful." – Unknown
77. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
78. "I know I’m always late, but I’m worth the wait!" – Unknown
79. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
80. "I’m trying to lose weight but it’s not working because I keep finding it again." – Unknown
81. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
82. "I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged." – Unknown
83. "Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive." – Elbert Hubbard
84. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure." – Unknown
85. "I'm on a 30-day diet. So far, I've lost 15 days." – Unknown
86. "Sometimes I wonder if I’m late or if everyone else is just early." – Unknown
87. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
88. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." – Unknown
89. "I don't have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
90. "I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
91. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
92. "I am on a 10-step diet: 1. Ignore food. 2. Think about food. 3. Eat food." – Unknown
93. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
94. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
95. "I love my six pack. I just wish I could see it." – Unknown
96. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
97. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
98. "You can't make everyone happy. You're not a jar of Nutella." – Unknown
99. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." – Unknown
100. "I didn't choose the pug life, the pug life chose me." – Unknown
101. "If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you." – Unknown
102. "I'm on a diet, just not the healthy kind." – Unknown
103. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." – Steven Wright
104. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
105. "I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiny." – Unknown
106. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
107. "My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry." – Unknown
108. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I had to do." – Unknown
109. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
110. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
111. "I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition." – Unknown
112. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance. And right now, scrolling through memes is top priority." – Unknown
113. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
114. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
115. "I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
116. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
117. "I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." – Unknown
118. "Life is short. Eat the cake." – Unknown
119. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
120. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
121. "I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless." – Unknown
122. "I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
123. "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Unknown
124. "I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them." – Unknown
125. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
126. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
127. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
128. "I love my six pack, but I just wish I could see it." – Unknown
129. "I'm not weird, I'm just not normal." – Unknown
130. "Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver." – Unknown
131. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
132. "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." – Unknown
133. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
134. "I am on a 10-step diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 steps." – Unknown
135. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
136. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." – Unknown
137. "I’ve got the world’s best boss. Too bad the world is just my cat." – Unknown
138. "The only exercise I get is running late." – Unknown
139. "I’m on a diet, but I still manage to eat like a pro." – Unknown
140. "A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body." – Unknown
141. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
142. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
143. "I’m not shy, I’m just very good at observing the world." – Unknown
144. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
145. "I'm not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
146. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
147. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey
148. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
149. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
150. "I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
151. "I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
152. "If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you." – Unknown
153. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I had to do." – Unknown
154. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
155. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure." – Unknown
156. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
157. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
158. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
159. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
160. "I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition." – Unknown
161. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
162. "I’m on a 10-step diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
163. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
164. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
165. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
166. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
167. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
168. "The only exercise I get is running late." – Unknown
169. "I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
170. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
171. "I am on a diet, just not the healthy kind." – Unknown
172. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
173. "I don't have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
174. "I'm not short, I'm vertically challenged." – Unknown
175. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
176. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
177. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." – Unknown
178. "I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
179. "I'm not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
180. "I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiny." – Unknown
181. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
182. "You can't make everyone happy. You're not a jar of Nutella." – Unknown
183. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." – Unknown
184. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." – Steven Wright
185. "I am on a 10-step diet: 1. Ignore food. 2. Think about food. 3. Eat food." – Unknown
186. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
187. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
188. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance. And right now, scrolling through memes is top priority." – Unknown
189. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
190. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
191. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
192. "I’m not shy, I’m just very good at observing the world." – Unknown
193. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
194. "I'm not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
195. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
196. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey
197. "Life is short. Eat the cake." – Unknown
198. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
199. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
200. "I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless." – Unknown
201. "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Unknown
202. "I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them." – Unknown
203. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
204. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
205. "I love my six pack, but I just wish I could see it." – Unknown
206. "I'm not weird, I'm just not normal." – Unknown
207. "Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver." – Unknown
208. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
209. "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." – Unknown
210. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
211. "I am on a 10-step diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 steps." – Unknown
212. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
213. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." – Unknown
214. "I’ve got the world’s best boss. Too bad the world is just my cat." – Unknown
215. "The only exercise I get is running late." – Unknown
216. "I’m on a diet, but I still manage to eat like a pro." – Unknown
217. "A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body." – Unknown
218. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
219. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
220. "I’m not shy, I’m just very good at observing the world." – Unknown
221. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
222. "I'm not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
223. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
224. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey
225. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
226. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
227. "I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
228. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
229. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
230. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
231. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
232. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey
233. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
234. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
235. "I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
236. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
237. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
238. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
239. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
240. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
241. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
242. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I had to do." – Unknown
243. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
244. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure." – Unknown
245. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
246. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
247. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
248. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
249. "I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition." – Unknown
250. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
251. "I’m on a 10-step diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
252. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
253. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
254. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
255. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
256. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
257. "The only exercise I get is running late." – Unknown
258. "I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
259. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
260. "I am on a diet, just not the healthy kind." – Unknown
261. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
262. "I don't have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
263. "I'm not short, I'm vertically challenged." – Unknown
264. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
265. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
266. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." – Unknown
267. "I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
268. "I'm not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
269. "I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiny." – Unknown
270. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
271. "You can't make everyone happy. You're not a jar of Nutella." – Unknown
272. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." – Unknown
273. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." – Steven Wright
274. "I am on a 10-step diet: 1. Ignore food. 2. Think about food. 3. Eat food." – Unknown
275. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
276. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
277. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance. And right now, scrolling through memes is top priority." – Unknown
278. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
279. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
280. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
281. "I’m not shy, I’m just very good at observing the world." – Unknown
282. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
283. "I'm not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
284. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
285. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey
286. "Life is short. Eat the cake." – Unknown
287. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
288. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
289. "I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless." – Unknown
290. "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Unknown
291. "I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them." – Unknown
292. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
293. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
294. "I love my six pack, but I just wish I could see it." – Unknown
295. "I'm not weird, I'm just not normal." – Unknown
296. "Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver." – Unknown
297. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
298. "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." – Unknown
299. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
300. "I am on a 10-step diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 steps." – Unknown
301. "If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘apple pie.’ I’ll turn around and say ‘what?’" – Unknown
302. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
303. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
304. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
305. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
306. "If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy." – Unknown
307. "I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee." – Unknown
308. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
309. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
310. "I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
311. "I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes ever." – Unknown
312. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
313. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
314. "Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast." – Unknown
315. "I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something." – Unknown
316. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
317. "I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome." – Unknown
318. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
319. "I'm not procrastinating, I’m doing important research on the internet." – Unknown
320. "I may be a beginner at some things, but I’m a pro at making things awkward." – Unknown
321. "I’m not shy, I’m just not sure if I want to talk to you." – Unknown
322. "I would tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience." – Unknown
323. "I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless." – Unknown
324. "Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver." – Unknown
325. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
326. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
327. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
328. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
329. "If you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it." – Unknown
330. "I’m on a 10-step diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
331. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
332. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
333. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
334. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
335. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance. And right now, scrolling through memes is top priority." – Unknown
336. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure." – Unknown
337. "I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
338. "I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged." – Unknown
339. "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
340. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." – Unknown
341. "I am on a 10-step diet: 1. Ignore food. 2. Think about food. 3. Eat food." – Unknown
342. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
343. "Sometimes I feel like I’m doing the work of three people... unfortunately, it’s always the three people who do nothing." – Unknown
344. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
345. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
346. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I had to do." – Unknown
347. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
348. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
349. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
350. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
351. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
352. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
353. "I don't need an inspirational quote, I need coffee." – Unknown
354. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
355. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
356. "I love my six-pack, but I just wish I could see it." – Unknown
357. "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Unknown
358. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
359. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
360. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
361. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
362. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance. And right now, scrolling through memes is top priority." – Unknown
363. "Life is short. Eat the cake." – Unknown
364. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
365. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
366. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
367. "I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
368. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
369. "I’m not addicted to coffee, I’m just in a committed relationship." – Unknown
370. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
371. "I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them." – Unknown
372. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
373. "I’m not shy, I’m just not sure if I want to talk to you." – Unknown
374. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
375. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
376. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
377. "You can't make everyone happy. You're not a jar of Nutella." – Unknown
378. "I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut." – Unknown
379. "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." – Steven Wright
380. "I am on a 10-step diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
381. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
382. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
383. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing important research on the internet." – Unknown
384. "I may be a beginner at some things, but I’m a pro at making things awkward." – Unknown
385. "I’m not shy, I’m just not sure if I want to talk to you." – Unknown
386. "I would tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience." – Unknown
387. "I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless." – Unknown
388. "Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver." – Unknown
389. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
390. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
391. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown
392. "I'm on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
393. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." – Unknown
394. "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands." – Unknown
395. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
396. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
397. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
398. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
399. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance. And right now, scrolling through memes is top priority." – Unknown
400. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I had to do." – Unknown
401. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
402. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
403. "I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
404. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
405. "If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you." – Unknown
406. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
407. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
408. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
409. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
410. "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." – Unknown
411. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
412. "I thought I wanted a career, but I realized I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
413. "Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast." – Unknown
414. "If you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it." – Unknown
415. "I may be a beginner at some things, but I’m a pro at making things awkward." – Unknown
416. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
417. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
418. "I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome." – Unknown
419. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just researching the internet." – Unknown
420. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
421. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
422. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
423. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
424. "I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee." – Unknown
425. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
426. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
427. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
428. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
429. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
430. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
431. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
432. "I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
433. "If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it." – Unknown
434. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown
435. "I’m not shy, I’m just not sure if I want to talk to you." – Unknown
436. "I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome." – Unknown
437. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
438. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
439. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." – Unknown
440. "I’m not weird, I’m just not normal." – Unknown
441. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
442. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
443. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
444. "I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
445. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
446. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance." – Unknown
447. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
448. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
449. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
450. "I like my coffee like I like my humor: dark and bitter." – Unknown
451. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
452. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
453. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
454. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
455. "I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee." – Unknown
456. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
457. "I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
458. "I have a black belt in keeping it together while I’m falling apart." – Unknown
459. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
460. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
461. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
462. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
463. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
464. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
465. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
466. "If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you." – Unknown
467. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
468. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance." – Unknown
469. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
470. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
471. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
472. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
473. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
474. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
475. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
476. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
477. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
478. "I’m writing a book. I’ve got the title, but not the words yet." – Unknown
479. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
480. "Life is like a sandwich. No matter which way you flip it, the bread comes first." – Unknown
481. "I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it." – Unknown
482. "I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
483. "If you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it." – Unknown
484. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
485. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
486. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
487. "If you can’t pronounce it, don’t eat it." – Unknown
488. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." – Unknown
489. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
490. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
491. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
492. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
493. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
494. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
495. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
496. "I can’t adult today, I’m too busy being fabulous." – Unknown
497. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
498. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
499. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
500. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
501. "I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
502. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." – Unknown
503. "I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!" – Unknown
504. "My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry." – Unknown
505. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
506. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
507. "You can’t have everything… where would you put it?" – Unknown
508. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
509. "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands." – Unknown
510. "I’m not shy, I’m just good at being alone." – Unknown
511. "I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my opinions." – Unknown
512. "If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy." – Unknown
513. "I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee." – Unknown
514. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
515. "I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure." – Unknown
516. "Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes." – Unknown
517. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
518. "I can resist everything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
519. "I am not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens." – Woody Allen
520. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
521. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
522. "My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward." – Unknown
523. "I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
524. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
525. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
526. "I need six months of vacation, twice a year." – Unknown
527. "If you think the world is a mess, you should see my closet." – Unknown
528. "I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads." – Unknown
529. "I asked the librarian if the library had any books on suicide. She said they were on the top shelf." – Unknown
530. "I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel." – Unknown
531. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing things in the order of importance." – Unknown
532. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life… and no one laughs." – Unknown
533. "I have a phobia of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it." – Unknown
534. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
535. "You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza." – Unknown
536. "I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
537. "It’s not that I’m lazy, I just don’t feel like doing anything today." – Unknown
538. "I’m on a mission to leave the world better than I found it… I’m just not sure how to do that yet." – Unknown
539. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something more important." – Unknown
540. "Don’t worry if plan A doesn’t work out, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet." – Unknown
541. "I tried to start a hot air balloon business, but it never took off." – Unknown
542. "I have a new theory in life…don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things." – Unknown
543. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
544. "You never know what you have until you clean your room." – Unknown
545. "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." – Woody Allen
546. "You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?" – Steven Wright
547. "I am a firm believer that you shouldn’t listen to other people’s opinions… unless you agree with them." – Unknown
548. "The only thing I throw back is a glass of wine." – Unknown
549. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that." – Unknown
550. "I think my guardian angel drinks." – Unknown
551. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
552. "I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition." – Unknown
553. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
554. "If I were a superhero, my power would be napping." – Unknown
555. "I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen us in the same room together?" – Unknown
556. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
557. "I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck." – Unknown
558. "I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure." – Unknown
559. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
560. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
561. "Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping." – Unknown
562. "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch." – Unknown
563. "If you want to look young and thin, hang out with old fat people." – Unknown
564. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
565. "Sometimes I wish I were an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once." – Unknown
566. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
567. "I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens." – Woody Allen
568. "Why do they call it a ‘building’ if it’s already built?" – Unknown
569. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
570. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
571. "I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands." – Unknown
572. "I love my job only when I’m on vacation." – Unknown
573. "I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads." – Unknown
574. "I am not lazy. I am just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
575. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
576. "I’m not procrastinating. I’m just doing something else that’s more fun." – Unknown
577. "I am on a diet. I’m just not on the diet you think I’m on." – Unknown
578. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
579. "The only time I’m not tired is when I’m asleep." – Unknown
580. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
581. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
582. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
583. "I am on a mission to leave the world better than I found it. I just don’t know where to start." – Unknown
584. "I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down." – Unknown
585. "My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry." – Unknown
586. "If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said ‘I’ll be right back,’ I’d be right back by now." – Unknown
587. "I tried to start a hot air balloon business, but it never took off." – Unknown
588. "I’m not weird. I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
589. "I’m not shy, I’m just good at being alone." – Unknown
590. "I’ve decided I’m not going to take up any more space in this world. So I’m just going to sit here in a chair and contemplate my place in the universe." – Unknown
591. "If you think the world is a mess, you should see my closet." – Unknown
592. "I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed." – Unknown
593. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." – Unknown
594. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
595. "I’m not shy, I’m just too busy thinking about how awesome I am." – Unknown
596. "I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
597. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
598. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the camera." – Unknown
599. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
600. "I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off." – Unknown
601. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
602. "The only thing I like about morning is that it’s a step closer to nighttime." – Unknown
603. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
604. "The hardest part of writing a book is getting started. The easiest part is finishing." – Unknown
605. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
606. "I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
607. "If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you." – Unknown
608. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
609. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
610. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
611. "I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure." – Unknown
612. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
613. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
614. "I am not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
615. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
616. "I have a phobia of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it." – Unknown
617. "My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people know I’m not dead." – Unknown
618. "I could tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience." – Unknown
619. "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch." – Unknown
620. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something more important." – Unknown
621. "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." – Unknown
622. "I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my opinion." – Unknown
623. "Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out." – Unknown
624. "I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s not working. So, I’m going to try harder." – Unknown
625. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." – Douglas Adams
626. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." – Unknown
627. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
628. "I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
629. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
630. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something else that’s more fun." – Unknown
631. "If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy." – Unknown
632. "I’m writing a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down." – Unknown
633. "I’m not fat. I’m just more to love." – Unknown
634. "I was going to lose weight, but I decided to be fabulous instead." – Unknown
635. "I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
636. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
637. "I am not lazy. I’m just on power-saving mode." – Unknown
638. "I can resist anything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
639. "Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?" – Unknown
640. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
641. "Life is like a cup of tea. It’s all in how you make it." – Unknown
642. "I’m not weird, I’m just creatively different." – Unknown
643. "I need six months of vacation, twice a year." – Unknown
644. "I’m on a diet. I’m just not on the diet you think I’m on." – Unknown
645. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
646. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
647. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
648. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
649. "I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s not working. So, I’m going to try harder." – Unknown
650. "I am on a mission to leave the world better than I found it. I just don’t know where to start." – Unknown
651. "I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged." – Unknown
652. "I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m exhausted from being awesome yesterday." – Unknown
653. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship." – Unknown
654. "The best way to predict the future is to create it. But first, coffee." – Unknown
655. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
656. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
657. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
658. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
659. "If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
660. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
661. "I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure." – Unknown
662. "My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry." – Unknown
663. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
664. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
665. "I have a phobia of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it." – Unknown
666. "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch." – Unknown
667. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something more important." – Unknown
668. "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." – Unknown
669. "I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my opinion." – Unknown
670. "Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out." – Unknown
671. "I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s not working. So, I’m going to try harder." – Unknown
672. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." – Douglas Adams
673. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." – Unknown
674. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
675. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
676. "I have a phobia of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it." – Unknown
677. "My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people know I’m not dead." – Unknown
678. "I could tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience." – Unknown
679. "I’m not fat. I’m just more to love." – Unknown
680. "I was going to lose weight, but I decided to be fabulous instead." – Unknown
681. "I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
682. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
683. "I am not lazy. I’m just on power-saving mode." – Unknown
684. "I can resist anything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
685. "Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?" – Unknown
686. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
687. "Life is like a cup of tea. It’s all in how you make it." – Unknown
688. "I’m not weird, I’m just creatively different." – Unknown
689. "I need six months of vacation, twice a year." – Unknown
690. "I’m on a diet. I’m just not on the diet you think I’m on." – Unknown
691. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
692. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
693. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
694. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
695. "I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s not working. So, I’m going to try harder." – Unknown
696. "I am on a mission to leave the world better than I found it. I just don’t know where to start." – Unknown
697. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
698. "Life is too short to take seriously." – Unknown
699. "I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes ever." – Unknown
700. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something more important." – Unknown
701. "I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing." – Unknown
702. "I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days." – Unknown
703. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
704. "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
705. "Life is too short to be serious all the time." – Unknown
706. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
707. "I am not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
708. "I can resist everything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
709. "The best way to predict the future is to create it. But first, coffee." – Unknown
710. "I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown
711. "I’m not weird, I’m just creatively different." – Unknown
712. "You don’t have to be crazy to talk to me, but it helps." – Unknown
713. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
714. "I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged." – Unknown
715. "I’m on a break!" – Ross Geller (Friends)
716. "I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
717. "I'm on a new diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
718. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
719. "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." – Unknown
720. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
721. "My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry." – Unknown
722. "I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." – Unknown
723. "I have a phobia of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it." – Unknown
724. "I’m trying to lose weight, but it’s not working. So, I’m going to try harder." – Unknown
725. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something else that’s more fun." – Unknown
726. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
727. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
728. "I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
729. "I’m not fat. I’m just more to love." – Unknown
730. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
731. "I need six months of vacation, twice a year." – Unknown
732. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
733. "Life is like a cup of tea. It’s all in how you make it." – Unknown
734. "I’m on a diet. I’m just not on the diet you think I’m on." – Unknown
735. "I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust dogs when they don’t like people." – Unknown
736. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
737. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
738. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something more important." – Unknown
739. "I’m not short, I’m just vertically challenged." – Unknown
740. "I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m exhausted from being awesome yesterday." – Unknown
741. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship." – Unknown
742. "I’m writing a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down." – Unknown
743. "My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people know I’m not dead." – Unknown
744. "I can resist anything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
745. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
746. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
747. "I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure." – Unknown
748. "I have a phobia of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it." – Unknown
749. "My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch." – Unknown
750. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just doing something more important." – Unknown
751. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
752. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
753. "You can’t have everything… where would you put it?" – Steven Wright
754. "I’m on a diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
755. "I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life." – Unknown
756. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do." – Unknown
757. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
758. "I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you." – Unknown
759. "The road to success is always under construction." – Lily Tomlin
760. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
761. "A day without laughter is a day wasted." – Charlie Chaplin
762. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
763. "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
764. "I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name." – Unknown
765. "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything." – Unknown
766. "I can’t adult today." – Unknown
767. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
768. "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." – Douglas Adams
769. "I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see." – Unknown
770. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
771. "The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive." – Coco Chanel
772. "I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m just afraid of being committed." – Unknown
773. "I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
774. "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one." – Unknown
775. "I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
776. "I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown
777. "I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition." – Unknown
778. "I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing something else that's more important." – Unknown
779. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
780. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." – Unknown
781. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
782. "I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
783. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just making time to do something else that is more important." – Unknown
784. "When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye." – Cathy Guisewite
785. "I’m on a diet. I’m just not on the diet you think I’m on." – Unknown
786. "The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions." – Unknown
787. "Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out." – Unknown
788. "I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than other people." – Unknown
789. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." – Steven Wright
790. "I was going to lose weight, but then I realized I’m already fabulous." – Unknown
791. "I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition." – Unknown
792. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I keep forgetting to put the film in." – Unknown
793. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
794. "I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
795. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
796. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
797. "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it." – Unknown
798. "I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more." – Unknown
799. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on power-saving mode." – Unknown
800. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
801. "I’m not late, I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
802. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
803. "My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat." – Unknown
804. "The problem with trouble is that it starts out as fun." – Unknown
805. "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure." – Unknown
806. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." – Douglas Adams
807. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
808. "You know you're texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
809. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
810. "I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
811. "I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." – Unknown
812. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
813. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
814. "My room is my happy place, but my bed is where the real magic happens." – Unknown
815. "I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
816. "I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see." – Unknown
817. "The only time to be positive you’re in the right position is when you’re on the edge." – Unknown
818. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship." – Unknown
819. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
820. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
821. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
822. "I’m not weird, I’m just creatively different." – Unknown
823. "I can resist everything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
824. "You can’t have everything... where would you put it?" – Steven Wright
825. "I’m not late, I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
826. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
827. "I’m not fat, I’m just more to love." – Unknown
828. "If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
829. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
830. "The road to success is always under construction." – Lily Tomlin
831. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
832. "I can’t adult today." – Unknown
833. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do." – Unknown
834. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
835. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
836. "I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you." – Unknown
837. "I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition." – Unknown
838. "I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing something else that’s more fun." – Unknown
839. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
840. "You don’t have to be crazy to talk to me, but it helps." – Unknown
841. "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." – Unknown
842. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship." – Unknown
843. "Life is too short to be serious all the time." – Unknown
844. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
845. "You know you’re texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
846. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just making time to do something else that is more important." – Unknown
847. "Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out." – Unknown
848. "I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than other people." – Unknown
849. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." – Steven Wright
850. "I was going to lose weight, but then I realized I’m already fabulous." – Unknown
851. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
852. "I think my guardian angel drinks." – Unknown
853. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on power-saving mode." – Unknown
854. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
855. "I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long." – Unknown
856. "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it." – Unknown
857. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
858. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just making time to do something else that is more important." – Unknown
859. "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one." – Unknown
860. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
861. "You know you're texting too much when you say LOL in real life and no one laughs." – Unknown
862. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
863. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
864. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
865. "I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you." – Unknown
866. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
867. "I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
868. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
869. "The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive." – Coco Chanel
870. "I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m just afraid of being committed." – Unknown
871. "I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
872. "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one." – Unknown
873. "I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
874. "I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown
875. "I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition." – Unknown
876. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I keep forgetting to put the film in." – Unknown
877. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
878. "I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
879. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
880. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
881. "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it." – Unknown
882. "I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making a few more." – Unknown
883. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on power-saving mode." – Unknown
884. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
885. "I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than other people." – Unknown
886. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." – Steven Wright
887. "I was going to lose weight, but then I realized I’m already fabulous." – Unknown
888. "I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition." – Unknown
889. "I’ve got a photographic memory, but I keep forgetting to put the film in." – Unknown
890. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
891. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
892. "I’m not fat, I’m just more to love." – Unknown
893. "If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments." – Unknown
894. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
895. "The road to success is always under construction." – Lily Tomlin
896. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
897. "I can’t adult today." – Unknown
898. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do." – Unknown
899. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
900. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
901. "I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing." – Unknown
902. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
903. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
904. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
905. "I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
906. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
907. "My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do." – Unknown
908. "If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer." – Unknown
909. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m doing something else." – Unknown
910. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
911. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
912. "I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem." – Unknown
913. "Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." – Unknown
914. "I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition." – Unknown
915. "I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong." – Unknown
916. "I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
917. "The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive." – Coco Chanel
918. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
919. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
920. "I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
921. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
922. "I can resist anything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
923. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
924. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
925. "I’m not fat, I’m just more to love." – Unknown
926. "I’m not weird, I’m just creatively different." – Unknown
927. "I’m not procrastinating. I’m just making time to do something else that is more important." – Unknown
928. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
929. "I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than other people." – Unknown
930. "I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." – Unknown
931. "I’m on a diet, but I’m still hungry." – Unknown
932. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
933. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
934. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
935. "I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition." – Unknown
936. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship." – Unknown
937. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
938. "I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
939. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just making time for my dreams." – Unknown
940. "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one." – Unknown
941. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
942. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
943. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
944. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
945. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it." – Unknown
946. "You can’t have everything... where would you put it?" – Steven Wright
947. "I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see." – Unknown
948. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
949. "I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
950. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
951. "I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already." – Tommy Cooper
952. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
953. "I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person." – Unknown
954. "I have a degree in sarcasm." – Unknown
955. "I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition." – Unknown
956. "I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged." – Unknown
957. "I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." – Unknown
958. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
959. "I’m not fat, I’m just more to love." – Unknown
960. "I’m on a diet, but I’m still hungry." – Unknown
961. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
962. "I can resist anything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde
963. "I think I’m allergic to mornings." – Unknown
964. "I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it." – Unknown
965. "I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor." – Unknown
966. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just making time to do something else that is more important." – Unknown
967. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
968. "I think my guardian angel drinks." – Unknown
969. "I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy-saving mode." – Unknown
970. "I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you." – Unknown
971. "I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition." – Unknown
972. "I’m not late, I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
973. "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." – Unknown
974. "I’m not fat, I’m just more to love." – Unknown
975. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
976. "I have a photographic memory, but I keep forgetting to put the film in." – Unknown
977. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m doing something else." – Unknown
978. "I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning." – Unknown
979. "I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship." – Unknown
980. "I’m not lazy, I’m just on power-saving mode." – Unknown
981. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
982. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my relaxation time." – Unknown
983. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
984. "I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
985. "You can’t have everything... where would you put it?" – Steven Wright
986. "I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m just afraid of being committed." – Unknown
987. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just waiting for the perfect time." – Unknown
988. "I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than other people." – Unknown
989. "I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." – Unknown
990. "I’m not weird, I’m just a little more creative than most people." – Unknown
991. "I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee." – Unknown
992. "I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." – Unknown
993. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just making time for my dreams." – Unknown
994. "I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown
995. "I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition." – Unknown
996. "I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." – Unknown
997. "I’m not fat, I’m just more to love." – Unknown
998. "I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow." – Unknown
999. "I’m not procrastinating, I’m just making time for my dreams." – Unknown
1000. "I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right." – Unknown